Can't we all just get along?
I feel like ranting about this topic right now (actually it's kind of 2 topics in 1), and it will lead into the next section of posts, so here I go. If a woman likes a guy, and she wants him to know, sometimes she'll give signs or signals. And women think that men are stupid because we don't pick up on them. Let me explain why men don't pick up on them usually.
First of all, there is no standard as to what is or isn't a sign. Let's take 2 girls for example. One is a really friendly girl, who may or may not be flirty by nature. Then there's another girl who isn't really friendly or flirty, but she's still nice. The normal things a friendly girl does might be the things the other girl would use to show the guy that she likes him.
You're probably thinking "Well if the non-flirty girl is acting flirty, she likes him, duh!" Well, what if she might seem that way because she's more comfortable around the guy? She's open and comfortable with him, but that doesn't mean she likes him. The guy might be reading into what she does. And what about the flirty/friendly girl? What does she do to show the guy that she likes him? Does she have to be crazy flirty with him? Does she do other things, which might be normal for other people, to show that she likes a guy?
This is the part where you say that it's the guy who's supposed to ask the girl out and all that, so we shouldn't be pointing the finger at you because we don't understand your signs. Before asking a girl out, we would like to know if you like us, which is why you give a sign in the first place. It's a vicious circle, and there are 2 things I'd like to explain now.
First of all, why we don't like asking a girl out if we don't know if she likes us or not. Getting shot down is not fun. It feels really awkward to be like "I like you....oh you don't like me. Ok...ummmm...awkward silence....ummmm...yeah...I'm gonna leave now because I feel kind of embarassed, bye." Asking a girl out is the man's "responsibility". When we do ask a girl out, we are putting our manliness at risk. By saying no, you are saying no to who we are as a person. Our manliness helps define who we are, and you are saying no to our manliness. Yes, there are other factors involved, but beneath all of them, the fact still remains that we risk our manliness and our whole being when we ask you out. We don't want to take a risk like that unless we think that we will succeed. Whether we deluded ourselves into thinking we have a chance or not isn't the point. We want to see signs that you do like us, that you are interested. We want you to give us the green light, or maybe an off-green light, so that we feel confident in taking the risk.
The second reason is something I'm gonna spend some time talking about in future posts; communication. Most relationship problems I hear about with people are caused in part by communication problems. How people communicated, and the other person's expectations of communication. I will give 2 examples of men and women communicating (once again, this is a blanket statement).
I spent a few days up at Sharon's condo, it was a couple of hours before sunset, and it was the last night I was staying there. We had nothing to do, so I thought it would be nice if Sharon, her sister, and I all went for a walk on the beach, which we had not done yet. When a guy wants to go for a walk on the beach, he'll say "Let's go for a walk on the beach" or "Do you want to go for a walk on the beach?" Quick and simple. There's no alternate meaning to what he said. He wants to go for a walk on the beach.
A woman will say something like "The beach looks nice." Here's where the communication problems begin. The guy is expecting the woman to say what she means, since that's how the guy thinks. If she wants to go for a walk, he expects her to say that she wants to go for a walk. Instead, she makes an ambiguous statement. If she says "The beach looks nice", she might just be saying that it looks nice out there, or she might mean that she wants to go for a walk out there, or go swim in the ocean. So now the guy has to ask her what, if anything, she'd like to do out there. Here comes the fun part; if we haven't figured out what she'd like to do now (based on her completely ambiguous statement), she might not want to go outside now. Or she'll really want to go outside, and say that she doesn't. She might be nice and just tell us what she'd like to do. Yes, it's frustrating.
Example 2: I spent 2 weeks at my mom's house, and one morning, she asked if I'd like to go for a ride with her. She has a 2000 and something Toyota Solara. It's a nice car, and I've driven it before. She said "go for a ride" which means riding in the passenger seat, not driving (at least in my crazy world, that's what it means). I decline. She gets back later, and says that she's surprised that I didn't go with her. She would have let me drive! She says that just because she asked if I wanted to go for a ride didn't mean that she wouldn't let me drive on the way back. Because I interpreted what she said to mean what it meant (go for a ride means go for a ride, not drive), I missed out. A guy in her situation would have said "Do you want to drive?" If he says "Do you want to go for a ride?", and I say no, he'll follow up by saying "I'll let you drive on the way back."
A guy expects someone to say what they mean. We don't want to look for hidden meanings behind things, or alternate possibilities to what you said. We have an expection for men and women to say something and mean it, period. So when you say something and alude to something else, we're not gonna catch on because we're expecting you to say what you mean.
So now I head back to the beginning of this long post; women giving signs. Guys aren't looking out for hidden or alternate meanings to things. We're looking for simple stuff. There's no standard as to what is or isn't a sign, and men read into things pretty often (sometimes because we're hopeful, sometimes we misinterpret something you say or do), so it's hard to know for sure what is or isn't a sign.
I think men should try harder to look for what a woman means when she says something ambiguous, or slightly ambiguous. Help us out if you can, we'd really appreciate it. Also, I think women should make more of an effort to say what they mean. It'll cut down on the confusion. I think this is a fair compromise. No one will do it, but I still think people should do it.
Communication is still the topic next time, so I'll catch you all then.
First of all, there is no standard as to what is or isn't a sign. Let's take 2 girls for example. One is a really friendly girl, who may or may not be flirty by nature. Then there's another girl who isn't really friendly or flirty, but she's still nice. The normal things a friendly girl does might be the things the other girl would use to show the guy that she likes him.
You're probably thinking "Well if the non-flirty girl is acting flirty, she likes him, duh!" Well, what if she might seem that way because she's more comfortable around the guy? She's open and comfortable with him, but that doesn't mean she likes him. The guy might be reading into what she does. And what about the flirty/friendly girl? What does she do to show the guy that she likes him? Does she have to be crazy flirty with him? Does she do other things, which might be normal for other people, to show that she likes a guy?
This is the part where you say that it's the guy who's supposed to ask the girl out and all that, so we shouldn't be pointing the finger at you because we don't understand your signs. Before asking a girl out, we would like to know if you like us, which is why you give a sign in the first place. It's a vicious circle, and there are 2 things I'd like to explain now.
First of all, why we don't like asking a girl out if we don't know if she likes us or not. Getting shot down is not fun. It feels really awkward to be like "I like you....oh you don't like me. Ok...ummmm...awkward silence....ummmm...yeah...I'm gonna leave now because I feel kind of embarassed, bye." Asking a girl out is the man's "responsibility". When we do ask a girl out, we are putting our manliness at risk. By saying no, you are saying no to who we are as a person. Our manliness helps define who we are, and you are saying no to our manliness. Yes, there are other factors involved, but beneath all of them, the fact still remains that we risk our manliness and our whole being when we ask you out. We don't want to take a risk like that unless we think that we will succeed. Whether we deluded ourselves into thinking we have a chance or not isn't the point. We want to see signs that you do like us, that you are interested. We want you to give us the green light, or maybe an off-green light, so that we feel confident in taking the risk.
The second reason is something I'm gonna spend some time talking about in future posts; communication. Most relationship problems I hear about with people are caused in part by communication problems. How people communicated, and the other person's expectations of communication. I will give 2 examples of men and women communicating (once again, this is a blanket statement).
I spent a few days up at Sharon's condo, it was a couple of hours before sunset, and it was the last night I was staying there. We had nothing to do, so I thought it would be nice if Sharon, her sister, and I all went for a walk on the beach, which we had not done yet. When a guy wants to go for a walk on the beach, he'll say "Let's go for a walk on the beach" or "Do you want to go for a walk on the beach?" Quick and simple. There's no alternate meaning to what he said. He wants to go for a walk on the beach.
A woman will say something like "The beach looks nice." Here's where the communication problems begin. The guy is expecting the woman to say what she means, since that's how the guy thinks. If she wants to go for a walk, he expects her to say that she wants to go for a walk. Instead, she makes an ambiguous statement. If she says "The beach looks nice", she might just be saying that it looks nice out there, or she might mean that she wants to go for a walk out there, or go swim in the ocean. So now the guy has to ask her what, if anything, she'd like to do out there. Here comes the fun part; if we haven't figured out what she'd like to do now (based on her completely ambiguous statement), she might not want to go outside now. Or she'll really want to go outside, and say that she doesn't. She might be nice and just tell us what she'd like to do. Yes, it's frustrating.
Example 2: I spent 2 weeks at my mom's house, and one morning, she asked if I'd like to go for a ride with her. She has a 2000 and something Toyota Solara. It's a nice car, and I've driven it before. She said "go for a ride" which means riding in the passenger seat, not driving (at least in my crazy world, that's what it means). I decline. She gets back later, and says that she's surprised that I didn't go with her. She would have let me drive! She says that just because she asked if I wanted to go for a ride didn't mean that she wouldn't let me drive on the way back. Because I interpreted what she said to mean what it meant (go for a ride means go for a ride, not drive), I missed out. A guy in her situation would have said "Do you want to drive?" If he says "Do you want to go for a ride?", and I say no, he'll follow up by saying "I'll let you drive on the way back."
A guy expects someone to say what they mean. We don't want to look for hidden meanings behind things, or alternate possibilities to what you said. We have an expection for men and women to say something and mean it, period. So when you say something and alude to something else, we're not gonna catch on because we're expecting you to say what you mean.
So now I head back to the beginning of this long post; women giving signs. Guys aren't looking out for hidden or alternate meanings to things. We're looking for simple stuff. There's no standard as to what is or isn't a sign, and men read into things pretty often (sometimes because we're hopeful, sometimes we misinterpret something you say or do), so it's hard to know for sure what is or isn't a sign.
I think men should try harder to look for what a woman means when she says something ambiguous, or slightly ambiguous. Help us out if you can, we'd really appreciate it. Also, I think women should make more of an effort to say what they mean. It'll cut down on the confusion. I think this is a fair compromise. No one will do it, but I still think people should do it.
Communication is still the topic next time, so I'll catch you all then.
posted by Charles Fan at
4:08 PM
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