The blog of a man STILL addicted to beef jerky

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Life's not a fairy tale

And you're not a princess. Remember all those Disney movies you more than likely grew up watching? The girl gets in trouble, the guy goes through some crazy adventure to save her, they ride off into the sunset together, the end.

Here's the thing: You're not a little mermaid, you're not princess Jasmine, you're not a sleeping beauty (except for when you're asleep), and we're not coming to rescue you from some evil witch or whatever. Sure, we'd like to rush in, save your life and greatly improve the quality of it due to our presence, and live happily ever after with you. There's just one small problem. Read the title of this blog post again if you forgot what the problem is.

The Disney idea of the princess is an attractive girl who is deserving of her charming prince, the "getting to know each other" process is usually ignored, and she has to wait for him to sweep her away. As a girl, you'll probably find some way to associate yourself with the princess, and the idea of being a beautiful princess being swept away from a charming prince probably sounds pretty sweet.

Let's look at reality. First of all, you're not a princess, and it's not a guarantee that you're attractive. Second of all, us guys aren't princes. In fact, Prince, formerly known as...the artist formerly known as Prince, sucks, and we want to have nothing in relation to that guy. I think the people who read this blog understand that you need to get to know the other person first, so I won't get into that. A woman waiting for a man to sweep her off her feet; that's a thing us guys have a problem with.

A situation like that basically means the guy has to do the brunt of the work to make things work out. Ok, as guys, we know that we have our responsibilities before and during a relationship. We'll pay for your dinners, travel to see you, call you more often than you call us, do what we can to help you with your problems, and other things as well (I'm going under the assumption that this is a good guy, and this is the kind of guy that you like). We're fine with doing the majority of the work.

What we don't like is when we see a lack of effort on the girl's part. Friendships are mutual. A relationship is mutual. I put forth effort, you put forth effort. I'm not saying that it has to be 50% on each side. I'm not even saying that it has to be close to 50% on each side. In fact, there is no exact way to say it, so I'll try my best: us guys want to see some positive responses when we do stuff to help move a friendship towards a relationship, and maybe even a little bit of effort on your part to help things with the relationship.

Imagine that every choice we make that involves the relationship is like deciding who goes first in a game of chess. And every time, we're white (not a racist statement) and go first. We'll be the ones to ask the other person out, we'll do the other things like I said. But when we're deciding if you're right for us, we want to know that the person we're considering is willing and able to put forth effort.

While we're in the pre-relationship phase (or pre-sweeping you off your feet phase), we're considering the effort you put forth into the friendship and keeping the friendship going well. We're also considering a bunch of other things, but effort is important. The thing is, us guys don't want to be lonely; we want a woman in our life. Having a woman helps complete us in an amazing way that I can't explain since it can't be put into words (plus I've never experienced it before). God created us this way. And when us guys are thinking about the times we can spend with you in the future, we're considering the effort you'll put forth at that time. We're wondering if you'll help complete us in the way we want you to or not. We're wondering if the two-way street of love will be a 6-lane highway on one side and a single road on the other, or if you too will have a 6-lane highway worth of effort on your side. Yes, cheesy analogy, but the best I could come up with at 3:30 in the morning. That 6-lane highway of yours needs to be there during marriage, and we want to see that it will be like that during marriage.

Maybe as a woman, you're acting like this because you're testing the guy, to see if he's dedicated to you, if he'll be there for you, if he really, truly loves you, etc. If you decide to go that route, it's up to you, but keep in mind that us guys are taking note of the fact that you may be acting like a woman who doesn't put forth her due effort. We also have no way of knowing if you are testing us or are in fact really bad at putting forth effort (something we don't want).

I also mentioned earlier how a Disney princess is someone who is deserving of her prince. If you are testing the guy, remember that you too are not perfect. In fact, the guy may be deserving of someone better than you, or visa versa of course. If you're gonna test a guy like this, make sure that you too are willing to be tested (though us guys go about testing women differently than women test us). Remember that he may be the best thing to happen in your life, and that you're not some royal princess who deserves to have the world revolve around them, but you're a human being, just like the guy who is trying to win you over. Remember that we want to see that you're a woman who can and will put forth the effort.

Remember that life isn't a fairy tale. I can't stop you from wishing that some parts of it were, but if you set your expectations at unrealistic levels, you may screw up your best opportunity. Put forth some effort, show some love, help make things easier and better, and we'll love you all the more for it.

4 Comments:

  • *gasp* I am too a princess! I'm Belle. :) Hm...does that mean Ben is the Beast? Beasty Ben. Aw, but I made him a loveable, handsome man. :)

    By Blogger Summer from Lorelei Caroline, at 12:50 PM  

  • Modern western culture has definitely affected us all, no joke. We definitely need to make sure that our ideas fit in with reality and God’s way of life. I have to agree with the core of your message; a lot of complaints have been aired lately about unrealistic idealism.
    I occasionally see some of the world’s views on relationships when I read the headline articles on msn.com after I sign out of my email. I remember one article in particular that shocked me. I believe it was survey-based and said that the most common answer to “what makes a man instantly bedworthy?” (obviously asked to women) was “that he just doesn’t give a damn” (how I’m honestly remembering this article, not my own words). Now, ignoring the fact that the question shouldn’t exist in the first place, what in the world are these women thinking?!? I’m not saying that all women think this way (it was just a high percentage on their survey), and I’m definitely not saying that all women in the church think this way (I would say most of the women in the church have much better ideas than this), but it does point out that conclusions like this are based on the culture of this world. We need to make sure that even if we aren’t coming to conclusions that are this inane, we aren’t persuaded by better sounding, still fallacious lines of thinking.
    This survey question also came to my mind because it has to do with what you spoke about with effort. As a guy, I can understand a woman wanting to see some effort from a guy, in friendship and relationships. Guys certainly want effort from their male friends, as well as their female friends. That’s just being a friend. As for relationships, it should be obvious that guys want effort. It’s no longer a world in which guys can just say, “Father, she is pleasing to my eyes. Go fetch her.” The woman is an integral part of the decision. While this is a good thing, the woman needs to be as clear with her intentions as the guy. One easy way to do this is put forth a little effort. Don’t worry women, this doesn’t mean that you have to marry the guy. This doesn’t mean that you are leading him on needlessly. So long as you’re honest about what you think and do, it’s hard to bear any blame. It’s when a woman is so concerned about putting forth any sort of message, good or bad, that she begins to bear some blame. I want to keep talking, but this is probably already too big for a comment.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:58 PM  

  • I'm totally the Little Mermaid! How could you think otherwise? Red hair, swimming... Besides, she wasn't too bad, except being a naive boy-crazy 16 year old. And she was the one who went through all the craziness of trying to win the guy. She even saved his life. (and I'm just being random. I in no way disagree with what Mike has said :P ).
    - Linda

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:08 PM  

  • Thanks for writing this.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:08 AM  

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