Should it really be like this?
It's time: time for the guy to pop the big question. Well, the first big question: "Will you go out with me?", or however it ends up being worded. He's built up the confidence he needs to ask you out, considered the risks and the rewards, and decided that the reward (you) is worth the risks (stuff I'll get into shortly). The guy is experiencing tension, excitement, and fear (this is if he doesn't know how you feel about him, and I'll get into that shortly as well too). Will our hero experience ecstasy or embarrassment? Were his intuitions right, or way off? If he's turned down, will they still be friends, or it will their friendship get screwed up?
If those were two real people I was talking about, we'd want to know the answers to those questions. But I have a better question than all of them. Read blog post title and insert that sentence here.
Could things be different? Could a guy ask a girl out without having to worry about embarrassment, loss of a friend, or whatever? Is there a way for the guy to not have to guess how she feels about him nearly as much as he has to? Do things have to be this way? Why are they this way?
My contention is that the world has affected this part of our lives. We're supposed to be Christians. I'm supposed to be concerned about your wants above mine. I should be willing to do what I can to help you. I should do what's in your best interest. I should not be offended, and I should try not to offend you. I should be in control of my own emotions, and be concerned about how the other person feels.
Let's pretend that there's a guy and a girl who are both like that, but the guy doesn't know quite how she feels about him. He's ready to ask her out. Sure, the guy still feels anticipation, and he's afraid that she'll say no. But besides rejection and some embarrassment, that's about as far as his fear goes. He knows that both of them are Christians that really care about other people. There's no reason why they shouldn't still be friends if she says no (though stuff sometimes happens of course).
Also, these two Christian people should be in control of their emotions. He should be able to accept being turned down, and both should be able to calmly talk about it. They should both be concerned about how the other person is feeling after a situation like this, and make sure the other person is feeling okay.
Minor tangent, but these are things we should do to our friends, and even our enemies, but back to the topic. See how much different things are if we act like real Christians to each other? Loss of friendship and major embarrassment aren't concerns because they shouldn't happen. But what about the other "problem" that I presented earlier? The guy doesn't know how she feels about him.
There's no single answer to that. However, I believe that the guy could know how she feels (and visa versa) more often, but there's a big reason why he doesn't. It's the same reason why friendships can get screwed up and there can be embarrassment. It's worldly influence, and a specific kind too.
People keep their opinions of others to themselves. We're a "tolerant society", and we don't want others to know how we feel about them (whether it's good or bad). If we tell someone in the world just how we feel about them, we won't get a Christian response most of the time. Those attitudes (being tolerant of everyone and not sharing how you feel) has rubbed off on us, I'm sure of it.
Think back to right after the Wisconsin shooting. We all tried to be there for each other. We tried to comfort one another, listen to one another, pull together, and I heard many say that they'd try to let others know how they felt about them. Not surprisingly, that ideal way of thinking wore off, and everyone went back to normal. In my opinion, we (that definitely includes me as well) didn't live up to our word (which is called lying), and didn't continue to do our duty as Christians (which is not good enough). We failed.
Why were we willing to tell each other how much we meant to each other as friends (or more than friends)? Was it because we were all trying to act like Christians? Was it because we were all putting ourselves second and each other first? Was it because we knew we could trust the other person with how we felt about them? Was it because things like embarrassment seemed so petty at the time? Did we not have to worry about the friendship getting screwed up if we shared how we felt because at the time, knowing how the other person felt about you seemed so much more important?
Earlier I asked that you pretend that there was a guy and girl who were Christian and treated each other that way. Now imagine those two Christian people, but imagine that they grew up in a world where things were like they were after the shooting (people being open and honest with each other, putting each other first, etc.). In this world, the guy more than likely knows how she feels about him, and visa versa (because being open and honest with each other is normal). He feels confident about himself already because he knows just how much he means to all his friends. And even if he didn't know how she felt and he asks her out and she says no, there shouldn't be any embarrassment, because they'll have grown up expressing themselves to others.
Unfortunately, that world isn't real. For a little while after the Wisconsin incident, it was real, but it faded away. I think that we should try for this kind of world. I know we'll never achieve that kind of world in this life, but think about it: people being open, honest, having a selfless, Christian attitude towards each other. No fear, no embarrassment. I think that's kind of what things will be like in the future. Why not aim for that now? Why not try to put that into practice in our lives? Why not do what we can to help our friendships go to deeper levels, and help those deep friendships transform into something more?
Yeah, I went all over the place with this post, but I think the message was important, and worth sharing. I think we can all do so much better in this area of our lives, and ask ourselves why we aren't. I think we should aim for the way we treated each other after Wisconsin, and we should also aim to stay that way.
Should it really be like this? I think life should be like the way I described, and I think we should try for it, but that's just me.
If those were two real people I was talking about, we'd want to know the answers to those questions. But I have a better question than all of them. Read blog post title and insert that sentence here.
Could things be different? Could a guy ask a girl out without having to worry about embarrassment, loss of a friend, or whatever? Is there a way for the guy to not have to guess how she feels about him nearly as much as he has to? Do things have to be this way? Why are they this way?
My contention is that the world has affected this part of our lives. We're supposed to be Christians. I'm supposed to be concerned about your wants above mine. I should be willing to do what I can to help you. I should do what's in your best interest. I should not be offended, and I should try not to offend you. I should be in control of my own emotions, and be concerned about how the other person feels.
Let's pretend that there's a guy and a girl who are both like that, but the guy doesn't know quite how she feels about him. He's ready to ask her out. Sure, the guy still feels anticipation, and he's afraid that she'll say no. But besides rejection and some embarrassment, that's about as far as his fear goes. He knows that both of them are Christians that really care about other people. There's no reason why they shouldn't still be friends if she says no (though stuff sometimes happens of course).
Also, these two Christian people should be in control of their emotions. He should be able to accept being turned down, and both should be able to calmly talk about it. They should both be concerned about how the other person is feeling after a situation like this, and make sure the other person is feeling okay.
Minor tangent, but these are things we should do to our friends, and even our enemies, but back to the topic. See how much different things are if we act like real Christians to each other? Loss of friendship and major embarrassment aren't concerns because they shouldn't happen. But what about the other "problem" that I presented earlier? The guy doesn't know how she feels about him.
There's no single answer to that. However, I believe that the guy could know how she feels (and visa versa) more often, but there's a big reason why he doesn't. It's the same reason why friendships can get screwed up and there can be embarrassment. It's worldly influence, and a specific kind too.
People keep their opinions of others to themselves. We're a "tolerant society", and we don't want others to know how we feel about them (whether it's good or bad). If we tell someone in the world just how we feel about them, we won't get a Christian response most of the time. Those attitudes (being tolerant of everyone and not sharing how you feel) has rubbed off on us, I'm sure of it.
Think back to right after the Wisconsin shooting. We all tried to be there for each other. We tried to comfort one another, listen to one another, pull together, and I heard many say that they'd try to let others know how they felt about them. Not surprisingly, that ideal way of thinking wore off, and everyone went back to normal. In my opinion, we (that definitely includes me as well) didn't live up to our word (which is called lying), and didn't continue to do our duty as Christians (which is not good enough). We failed.
Why were we willing to tell each other how much we meant to each other as friends (or more than friends)? Was it because we were all trying to act like Christians? Was it because we were all putting ourselves second and each other first? Was it because we knew we could trust the other person with how we felt about them? Was it because things like embarrassment seemed so petty at the time? Did we not have to worry about the friendship getting screwed up if we shared how we felt because at the time, knowing how the other person felt about you seemed so much more important?
Earlier I asked that you pretend that there was a guy and girl who were Christian and treated each other that way. Now imagine those two Christian people, but imagine that they grew up in a world where things were like they were after the shooting (people being open and honest with each other, putting each other first, etc.). In this world, the guy more than likely knows how she feels about him, and visa versa (because being open and honest with each other is normal). He feels confident about himself already because he knows just how much he means to all his friends. And even if he didn't know how she felt and he asks her out and she says no, there shouldn't be any embarrassment, because they'll have grown up expressing themselves to others.
Unfortunately, that world isn't real. For a little while after the Wisconsin incident, it was real, but it faded away. I think that we should try for this kind of world. I know we'll never achieve that kind of world in this life, but think about it: people being open, honest, having a selfless, Christian attitude towards each other. No fear, no embarrassment. I think that's kind of what things will be like in the future. Why not aim for that now? Why not try to put that into practice in our lives? Why not do what we can to help our friendships go to deeper levels, and help those deep friendships transform into something more?
Yeah, I went all over the place with this post, but I think the message was important, and worth sharing. I think we can all do so much better in this area of our lives, and ask ourselves why we aren't. I think we should aim for the way we treated each other after Wisconsin, and we should also aim to stay that way.
Should it really be like this? I think life should be like the way I described, and I think we should try for it, but that's just me.
posted by Charles Fan at
3:29 PM
2 Comments:
I don't entirely agree with your conclusions. Ultimately a man has to have the courage to face rejection. It may be nice to know what someone thinks before you take action, but setting that as the standard is an unreasonable expectation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you're wanting a girl to tell you how she feels about you before you ever ask her out. One might say that you're looking for a "role-reversal" in the initial dating process.
By
BanjoBen, at 9:59 AM
Actually, what I'm saying is that her feelings are not a matter of national security, and should not be treated as such. A guy's feelings are not a matter of national security either. What I'm saying is that women should not make their feelings towards a person that also likes them the most secret thing in the world. I've heard girls say that it is their responsibility to send her signals to the guy. I think that's completely fair.
By
Charles Fan, at 8:54 PM
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