I am pathetic
I haven't posted in forever because there hasn't been much to post about, or I haven't had much of a chance to. Now that our wireless router is actually working, I have time to post. I told a few people recently that I've just really pathetic the past week, and Gina said that I should post about it. So I am.
I go through an emotional rollercoaster every once in a while. Just some random chemical imbalance I guess. Last week I had another one. I could feel it coming for a couple weeks before it happened. On Friday night, even though I was talking to my friends, and trying to listen to some good music on the Sabbath, I just felt really lonely and unfulfilled. The feeling wasn't directed to someone else, like they had made me feel that way, and it wasn't specifically directed at myself. I guess the simplest way to describe it is that I felt like I wanted a girlfriend, someone to love me. No, I'm not asking anyone reading this to be my girlfriend (I'm also not-not asking anyone reading this to be my girlfriend), but love from someone else is something I didn't have a lot of my whole life, and at this point in my life, it's showing now more than ever.
That is only a part of the problem. It's also been my fault for not spending the time I should have spent studying my Bible, praying, that sort of thing. I've deprived myself of the greatest love of all, God's love. His love is greater than and more important than the love of any person, and yet in order to feel more like a person, I feel like I need a person's love. Since I know that won't happen for a good while, I'm not going to worry about it, since I can't do anything about it. I can work on my relationship with God, which is more important, and which I do have control over. I'm trying to keep working out more, so that my physique doesn't look pathetic. I'm going to keep my facial hair so that I don't look like I'm 16, which is pretty pathetic. Random chemical imbalances I have no control over. It'll be a while before I stop feeling pathetic, which is also another reason why I'm pathetic.
I've somewhat expressed my patheticness in words. There's more, but it's not worth writing about. Hopefully I'll come up with a less pathetic topic for my next post. I try my best to make other people feel special, and yet I can't even feel good about myself. At least I've got a head start in humility.
More important posts coming soon, I hope.
I go through an emotional rollercoaster every once in a while. Just some random chemical imbalance I guess. Last week I had another one. I could feel it coming for a couple weeks before it happened. On Friday night, even though I was talking to my friends, and trying to listen to some good music on the Sabbath, I just felt really lonely and unfulfilled. The feeling wasn't directed to someone else, like they had made me feel that way, and it wasn't specifically directed at myself. I guess the simplest way to describe it is that I felt like I wanted a girlfriend, someone to love me. No, I'm not asking anyone reading this to be my girlfriend (I'm also not-not asking anyone reading this to be my girlfriend), but love from someone else is something I didn't have a lot of my whole life, and at this point in my life, it's showing now more than ever.
That is only a part of the problem. It's also been my fault for not spending the time I should have spent studying my Bible, praying, that sort of thing. I've deprived myself of the greatest love of all, God's love. His love is greater than and more important than the love of any person, and yet in order to feel more like a person, I feel like I need a person's love. Since I know that won't happen for a good while, I'm not going to worry about it, since I can't do anything about it. I can work on my relationship with God, which is more important, and which I do have control over. I'm trying to keep working out more, so that my physique doesn't look pathetic. I'm going to keep my facial hair so that I don't look like I'm 16, which is pretty pathetic. Random chemical imbalances I have no control over. It'll be a while before I stop feeling pathetic, which is also another reason why I'm pathetic.
I've somewhat expressed my patheticness in words. There's more, but it's not worth writing about. Hopefully I'll come up with a less pathetic topic for my next post. I try my best to make other people feel special, and yet I can't even feel good about myself. At least I've got a head start in humility.
More important posts coming soon, I hope.
posted by Charles Fan at
6:23 PM
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1 comments
